Sometimes, you really just need to rest. My intuition told me this a while ago, but I wouldn’t listen. I would keep plugging away every day at my yogic practice; “Ya gotta keep going!” I would jump in the car and go here, there and everywhere. Always on the go. Was I afraid of what I would find, feel, if I slowed down?
Sometimes, you really have healed beyond what you think. Something within you knows this truth, You have not been lying to yourself, Your healing was/is indeed authentic. But, sometimes, your mind continues to spin upon itself, making you second guess, making you think that it isn’t over, that there’s more to do: “Go! Go! Go!!!”
Sometimes, we can get really tired from all the work that we do. How many of us experience sadness when we are in fact tired? And some of us also experience tiredness when we are sad. It is a double-edged sword.
In recent years, I have become aware of how my body and mind communicates to me when it is needing a rest. In recent times, I have been experiencing a huge amount of grief; sometimes camouflaging itself as depression. I have been letting go of a lot – an unforced, natural letting go. The time was right. I have been re-wiring my mind a lot. My heart has also been opening. It is feeling the suffering of the world, where before the wall stood firm. Those bricks are crumbling, and sometimes it is very painful, but it is also a relief to feel – for myself and for others. I can finally feel! I am living the Human experience! I have done a heck of a lot. And, sometimes, it’s OK to stop for a while and allow ourselves peace, to gift ourselves that Peace. Rest. Sometimes, rest in itself, is actual yoga. Just rest. Being. Watching. Feeling. Allowing.
This morning, as I lay down, waiting for my child to wake up, my mind stopped spinning. And I realized that I was indeed at peace. I realized that everything was indeed OK, in whatever form that it presented itself. Nothing is “wrong”, and nothing needs to be fixed or manipulated. It is and has always been fine just as it is. The huge amount of effort and work that I had done was, in fact, the real deal and it had finally paid off. When I slowed down and rested, I noticed that there was nothing uncomfortable presenting itself. I was simply resting, Being – and enjoying.
In retrospect, I now understand what was happening. For those few moments lying down, I was accessing the meditative, neutral mind. It seemed that all the meditative work, all the mind practice that I had previously done was now expressing itself outside of any official meditative practices. It was now expressing itself in usual day-to-day activities. I had, in those moments, accessed my Soul, the Observer, the One who knows that everything is really OK. The one who knows that you are simply experiencing being Human. And those few moments of the meditative mind were enough to reboot my whole day and a few more after that.
And of course, when that epiphany revealed itself, the paradox emerged. Where it had previously been a struggle to get on the mat for the past month and a bit, I was now raring to go. I had effectively unlocked the inspiration and creativity. As I finish writing this, I am headed towards the bathroom for my cold shower in preparing for my yoga mat. No pushing this time. But a genuine want. And, if I change my mind once I stop typing and do something else, so be it. Let it be.
Resting is incredibly powerful. Resting is imperative to healing.
Yesterday, as I scrolled on my social media, I came across a quote that I resonated with, and then inspiration struck, expressing itself in this writing. This was the quote:
“Every person you meet should be regarded as one of the walking wounded. We have never seen a man or woman not slightly deranged by either anxiety or grief. We have never seen a totally sane human being.”— Robert Anton Wilson
This is not the first time that I have heard something similar. And, around a month ago, while accessing some meditative state, I channeled this message: “All of this is crazy. We are all crazy.”
But, what is mental illness and what is mental wellness anyway? We have become accustomed to the idea that mental illness is someone suffering from conditions such as anxiety, depression or schizophrenia. However, I would suggest that these are actually highly gifted people, and high sensitivity often accompanies this gift. Their nervous systems get too agitated by the mental illness that they observe around them and it displays itself in the “conditions” that we diagnose. These people are, in fact, teachers, who highlight the things that are not working in our society. But their value and help in this way often goes unnoticed. I would suggest that the majority of people who are deemed “functional” are also unwell. Even indulging in an argument is mental illness. Because to get into that state, a false, dis-empowering and unkind thought has presented itself and has been given permission to run wild. Each one of us is a student and a teacher to one another, continually shining a light unto that which is unbalanced. Arguments reflect each other’s mental illness; mental illness that is subtle and has long been regarded as acceptable. Our society, as a whole, is rife with mental illness, because each one of us entertains hurtful thoughts towards ourselves and others. Some of this mental illness is blatant, yet, nonetheless it has been permitted to continue to a certain degree, while we turn and look the other way. After all, dealing with our shadows demands courage, energy and tears. I see xenophobia, racism, patriarchy, sexism, chauvinism, sexism, domestic abuse, amongst others as mental illness.
I see an epidemic of unhappiness. An epidemic of “fronts”; of people wearing invisible masks, keeping up appearances, keeping up with what is expected of them in society. I recognize a failing society, which expresses itself in the rising numbers of anxiety and depression. I do see a huge uprising, an awakening on the horizon. But before we purify, all of this is going to boil to a head. It has to. It is a must. Because, we have been looking the other way for far too long.
We pigeon-hole one another, expecting one another to live and think a certain way, asking one another to exhaust our self-expression, our creativity, our uniqueness – brushing aside the existence of any other possibilities. We copy one another through fear of judgment, exclusion and rejection. We adopted belief systems so entrenched, which end up encompassing the majority of the population. So far, this is the only way that we can conceive of how to co-exist with one another. We became a herd, for fear of chaos any other way. Everyone must do the same. It is fundamentally a survival tactic. But the norm does not equate health. And, we forget that each one of us is here to be our own unique selves rather than a replica of one another. Those that deviate from the norm may be seen as troublemakers, rebels or mentally unbalanced. But those are the people who are seeing and showing another way. They keep creativity, variety, Life and hope alive. They pave the way towards evolution. But, what if we took another route, which ended up being regarded as totally “normal”. I will use the example of homeschooling here, which will possibly become a popular schooling choice amidst the pandemic – as well as a journey that we shall be embarking upon this September. What if homeschooling were actually the norm versus schooling outside of the home? Is it really mental wellness when everyone does the same? What is “normal”? Anything can be regarded as “normal” – we just decide what it is and go with it. “Normal” is simply a mainstream idea that we adopted.
I will share a little story that happened recently. While I have always been very insightful, I did lose my way for many years. It was my children who woke me up again. They are some of my biggest teachers and they have, unknowingly, spurred me onto my journey of self-discovery, healing and of coming alive, once again. In Canada, we have the choice of schooling in English or French, the latter known as French Immersion. I had heard of the idea of Waldorf schooling many years ago and it had always appealed to me. When my daughter was a baby, the idea of homeschooling reappeared. Thereafter, I toyed with the idea of either French Immersion or homeschooling for her, even though my intuition always came up with the latter. And yet again, when Covid19 struck, my choice became obvious. I would be homeschooling. However, before my choice was made, I began teaching my daughter to read in English, in the event that she attended French Immersion. But, my daughter taught me something else. Recently, as we sat down at the kitchen table, learning numbers, I was expecting her to perform to a certain standard. I was, in all honesty, being too hard on her. It was very reminiscent of my own upbringing and also of my own schooling days. My daughter was born an “Old Soul”. She has always been very mature for her age. She has always observed. She takes her time – she watches – and once she is ready, she masters the lesson. One of our first experiences with her was when she was learning to walk. Some of our friends were concerned that she wasn’t walking at a certain age. For the most part, as her parents, we were unconcerned. However, I failed to listen to myself, gave in to doubt, and got her checked out. My daughter was absolutely fine. And, when she was indeed ready, she walked at 16 months. Sitting at the table today, I understood again. I needed to back off. My daughter would master this when she was ready. She taught me this many times over and I was once again reminded. I needed to trust her, again. Trust in Life, the process, Trust all of it. I realized that to push her was like saying: “You aren’t acceptable as you are.” And that is not what I want at all. I wish for my children to be so engulfed in self-love. For me, success is Happiness. I am not a huge Waldorf connoisseur, but I do get the impression that my view coincides with their methods of teaching. Self-love is of upmost importance because even those managers who doctor up their resumes – but truthfully have little to no required experience – get those positions in the first place because (even if their conscience level suffers) – their self-confidence soars.
I share this story to illustrate the expectations we impose upon one another. Is that mental wellness?
I am reminded here of what is really important. When I depart from this world, will I be glad that I performed for others or that I listened to my Heart while respecting and loving others? I think happiness is the whole point of Life. To Live is the whole point in Life. Is that mental wellness?
All thoughts that we have are ideas. Nothing else. But, we tend to attach or reject certain ones. Neutrality and letting things be as they are is not something that we are well accustomed to practicing. I am reminded of the Laughing Buddha. He laughs because he has understood. All these thoughts are just energy – energy that we have given substance to. He laughs because he has broken free from all the illusions. He is free and happy. Buddha taught us about Maya – The Land of Illusions. We live our Human lives caught up in this illusionary labyrinth.
What I am writing right now is an illusion, simply an idea. It is not concrete, not reality and neither is anything that you are thinking about. We are essentially empty vessels at our core, which end up adopting ideas and filling up our vessels until they overflow.
As I woke up today, something that I have been holding onto came to mind. And soon after, a suggestion followed. It said: “You can just drop that.” And, at that moment, it was that simple. I had understood. I dropped it – just like that. And, I instantly accessed peace and happiness. I had become an empty vessel.
Recently, I have been dying my hair black. I used to frequently dye my hair black when I was a teenager. And then, for some reason, my hair stopped retaining the colour and I ceased dying my hair. I spent some of my most important and formative years being a mellow goth. I wore black and I wore black make-up. Black resonated for me. And I still love my black hair and my black make-up.
In recent years, I stopped listening to the radio. I have no idea what’s in the charts. It has nothing to offer me; no depth and my attention turned to yogic mantras. But the last few days, I’ve been listening to and downloading my “old” music on youtube: The Cure, Depeche Mode, Pink Floyd and U2. I am rummaging through the old material, as well as the new, catching up. The Smiths and New Order are coming. Why oh why, I wonder, did I ever stop listening to them? Their music still courses through my veins and it is undoubtedly fully immersed into my Soul.
In the photos accompanying my post, I am wearing some makeshift “jeans” – this is the first time I have worn jeans since my early 20’s. My partner was pleasantly surprised. He likes a girl in jeans and took some photos.
I’ve also recently been applying make-up – my black eye make-up. I haven’t worn make-up in years. My partner asked me why I am wearing make-up again. “You don’t need it”, he said.
So, what’s happening as far as I see it?
We travel through various stages in our lives. In paganism, we refer to life in three stages, which course through Nature, through everything, independent of our sex. These periods are self-explanatory and are known as the Maiden, the Mother, and Crone stages. In yoga, we could also refer to these periods as Birth, Life and Death. As humans, we tend to compartmentalize a lot. Time is a human-made concept that doesn’t actually exist and in reality, the Past, Present and Future, can and do often simultaneously exist together. Furthermore, things happen at the right time for each individual Being.
I am at an age where we often reassess our Lives, where we may stop rushing our lives and taking our lives for granted. We may begin to reassess and we may make changes. Some people refer to this as a “mid-life crisis” and some refer to this as an “awakening”. I am of the latter.
I am in my early 40’s and I have been a mother for 5 years now. If rigid, we could say that I am in the “Mother” stage. But, realistically, I am experiencing all these stages right now – Maiden, Mother and Crone. Specifically, at this time, I am revisiting more of my Maiden.
Experiencing my Maiden comes with nostalgia. I am revisiting my youth. Within nostalgia resides enjoyment and grief, which comes with the realization of letting go. It’s bitter-sweet. And it’s OK. I am allowing myself to Be. I acknowledge that this is a phase, and I am allowing myself to experience what I want and need to experience at this specific point in my Life. If I am not totally OK with my greys increasingly coming through, I allow myself to not be OK with that, while also being OK with allowing myself the enjoyment of dying my hair black. I am effectively self-loving and self-nurturing.
And that tucked-in t-shirt in the photos, has a increasing likelihood of exposing my all-time, unique, protruding-shaped belly with a side of roll. I’ve decided to love this part of me and effectively my whole body. It’s about time. She has patiently and unconditionally lovingly served me, all this time. To accept one’s physique as a woman is a big deal for a woman residing in a predominantly, yet collapsing patriarchal world, which encourages certain specifics in order for a woman to be considered beautiful. Luckily for me, I have never really conformed. But even in the past, while non-conforming, there was always a little self-consciousness. But there is increasing self-love happening here. If I do not want to wear a bra, I will not. If I do not want to wear deodorant, I will not. If I do not want to shave, I will not. After all, the Divine has created me in a specific way and asked me when I began this journey to honour that. Therefore, I choose to love all of me – all my shadows, and at this specific time, I am focusing on loving my body. I choose to honour my body, my vehicle in this Lifetime; the glue which grounds my Soul to this Earthly plane.
We waste so much time in our youth, and beyond, recognizing the beauty in others yet we are blinded to our own. I spent a long time not realizing or accepting how beautiful I was, even though I was told countless times. Wisdom comes with age and the wisdom spared often falls on deaf ears. Because we do, after all, need to go through our own journey, we need to develop our own wisdom, and create the path for our own awakening. This is what makes our Life rich. And when we get there, the blindfold begins to creep down our face, exposing the Awe, the Beauty, the Love and Mystery of Life, which paves our way into Maturity, Evolution, Gratitude and Life.
As I lay in savasana the other day, I experienced the natural, unforced blossoming of self-love as I heard something within and outside of myself say “You are so beautiful.” And there was no fighting it. My mind had grown tired and given up the gun. It had surrendered and I increasingly and gratefully sank into more self-love.
My young daughter and son have been playing “dead” a lot the last recent months. As in “I am dead.” They get this from the most benevolent of places, such as the “Frozen” movie. They mean no harm and they don’t really understand what death means.
It has unnerved me when I hear them playing this game, and I have tried to sway them away from it. Until now.
According to Yogis, the root of all fear is the fear of death; of survival. It makes sense. Trace back any fearful thought that you have, break it down and see where it leads you.
I have been working on the fear of death for many months now. I read books about it. I am meeting the fear head-on. There’s no point in ignoring it and brushing it way, because it is eventually inevitable. Yogic teachings tell us that keeping Death on our shoulder is a panacea. It brings us more fully into the Present, into relishing Life, and into Gratitude.
And so, this death-challenge came to a head last night, when my 5 year old daughter asked me what “dead” meant.
We are so scared to talk about death. It’s a jolt to the system for many, isn’t it? And the pain associated with Death? Yes, that’s fearful for many. We will try and sway the conversation towards something else, something more “uplifting”. For example, this post is unlikely to be the most popular. Are you squirming in your seat right now reading this? I wonder how many people stopped reading this post a while ago? And if you’re still reading, congratulations – seriously. I am not being condescending. That is a big deal.
Death is something that we avoid talking about, especially around children. In our western culture, we see death, and anything connected with it, as being morose. We definitely don’t want to talk to children about it and instead focus on a superficial “happy, happy, happy” environment.
But I am not here to create a fantasy for my children. I am here to teach them reality and to prepare them for Life. I am here to teach them the truth as far as I experience it to date.
So, in reply to my daughter, I told her: “One day, Daddy and I will die. This means that we will leave our bodies. We will all die one day. But, even when we have left our bodies, we are still around. We have just changed into something else. We will always be with you.”
What I told her is not an illusion, nor a comforting message to lessen the blow. I am teaching her what I know.
Since the age of 16, I have been able to connect with some field that is inexplicable. I made fun of it back then and the Gift left me. But, it returned big-time once I opened myself up to receive again. I am able to tap into something that is about to take place, which usually occurs a few days later. Often, it happens around major occurrences and people, and yes, it concerns people and other Beings passing on. The majority of the time, I am, as far as I know, unconnected to these people and events – the majority of them I do not know personally. And these messages have happened many times over. What I tap into does not come as an exact or clear message, but rather as a random thought about somebody or something. I cannot yet, and may never be able to decode the exact message. But that’s OK. Currently, I can only connect the dots once the event has occurred.
What I receive is between myself and whatever one calls The Divine. These messages are sacred to me, they are my Gifts. They are love letters between myself and Source and an intimate conversation is taking place. In the past, I have shared my experiences with a few people, and as well-meaning, open and understanding as they are, the depth of what I share cannot be fully grasped by another. Firstly, because it is not meant for them. And, because these occurrences seem so surreal. They are unknown territory for the mind and the mind struggles with the Unknown. These messages do not reside in the mind. They lie in another Field. Each one of us is capable of receiving these messages, and the messages that we receive will be different for each one of us. The difference is whether we are open enough or not to receive. But, these messages are always available, waiting for us to listen.
And so, I am not a Fortune Teller. I will not be able to tell you your future. Neither is that the business that I choose to be in.
But this is why I explained death to my children as I did. I wasn’t telling her some lovely story passed down through the grapevine. I was sharing with her my direct experience; in that there is something beyond this material plane. I cannot say exactly what. But there is an energy field.
While being extremely grateful for receiving these (love) messages, I am still Human, and my mind still struggles a little in accepting that there is something Beyond here. Because, we’ve been conditioned that way in the West. Nonetheless, because my mind, as well as my heart is open enough, I keep receiving these messages. And they continue confirming themselves time after time. I trust them, I welcome them, I honour them.
We got together when I was 18. I actually knew of You, from school. You were a grade above me. I remember crossing your path in the school hallway once, but I paid little attention to You – I hardly knew You. You didn’t catch my eye one bit. You were a friend of a friend. And then we got together when I was 18 and the tables turned – I fixated onto You. We were only together for maybe two months – that’s it. But You occupied space in my mind and my heart, for 23 years!
As I have mentioned in previous writings, something within me has recently shifted. My ties to everything – to ideas, thoughts, beliefs – are unfastening. This even includes connections to some people. I am an avid practitioner of Kundalini Yoga, and some say that the practice is dangerous, and I would agree. If one is attached to their illusions as their anchor for security, this practice is highly dangerous. This work is for the courageous and those seeking Freedom. Because when one brick in the wall is extracted, the others will eventually follow and your foundation will crumble, exposing all illusions. And this is where I am at now, I am currently in the process of letting go and surrendering. An inkling that a subconscious program was dismantling was when I began experiencing disinterest and boredom surrounding You. How intriguing, interesting and fascinating to experience this after years of clinging!
Letting go of anything does not come easily; the mind will struggle to hold on. But relief surpasses the slight unease, because I am in the process of finally being Liberated.
I remember back in my early 20’s, I literally scanned the streets for You. I searched for You online. I asked after You. There was so much playing around, so much playing tag, so much chasing. We were so immature, very young and inexperienced. I wanted You to prove your love to me and I would go off with another man. You never followed. I once wrote to You, seeking the closure that we never had, but received no response. I have been left alone all this time to make sense of us in my own mind.
The only time that You disappeared from my mind was when I fell in Love and my mind got distracted during the honeymoon period. However, as soon as the honeymoon had faded, you returned. You had only temporarily gone underground, and until then all distraction was merely a bandaid.
All my Lovers, who came after You, knew about You. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I breathe authenticity, truth and honesty. What amazing men I have had, who persevered, understood and loved, with patience.Your energetic presence did break their hearts. They truly are Heroes.
These Lovers though, upon hearing our story, had little respect for You. They called You a Player. Maybe you were. I do think that You liked the pretty girls. But I don’t think it’s so black and white. I watched You amongst our circle of friends repeatedly giving up the girl you really wanted, offering them up to your “competitor”. Yet, I also think that You have a huge heart and You are incredibly soulful. I know that You’d had your heart broken before I came along and I sense that You were no longer willing to be open and vulnerable. You were scared to love.
But these are all ideas. Ideas, impressions, interpretations and imagination is all that I am left with, as we’ve had no closure. But, it really doesn’t matter what I think. None of it is necessarily true. None of what I shared is a necessary part of the story. The whole story is most likely making a mountain out of a molehill. In and of themselves, there is nothing wrong with thoughts, ideas and illusions. They are part of the rich tapestry of Life, travelling through the ethers, waiting for someone to acknowledge them and consider them. The trouble comes, however, when we attach ourselves to these thoughts.
This is not me out to hurt You. This is not revenge. This is anonymous. Furthermore, the strong indifference expressed in our past, leads me to think that this will remain unread. But no matter, this is for me and and to reach out to others. This is me being Real – the thing that I do best. It’s my courage, my superpower. This is me releasing, emptying my mind of all the muck. People are so afraid to air their “dirty laundry”. We have been conditioned by society to bury our suffering, deny it, bury it under the rug, unknowingly realizing that we are creating a pathway for disease to creep in. The thing is, We are One and we heal together. My story will somehow be intertwined with your story. There are parts of my story that you may relate to, secretly and safely from afar. In addition, we all love a good story. So, with my courage, I scream from the mountain tops claiming my freedom. Unearthing all is the birthplace of healing. These Shadows will no longer hide in the crevices of my mind. And so, maybe all the details are a necessary part of letting go, after all.
But putting aside the details, this goes much deeper. Hear me out.
I came from a family where parental self-love was extremely faint. This lack of self-love was projected onto me. The invitation of poor self-love was offered, I wasn’t forced to accept it but I took it. That’s what we do when we are young, when we love, trust and don’t know any better. The rejection began with my Mother, and my Father became my anchor. He did his best to mother and father me. But, Daddy lacked self-love too. As my Mother left the family house, we eventually merged with another ready-made family, but there were clashes between myself and some new family members. My Father, so longing for love outside of himself, unintentionally gave me up. I had grown up an Outsider and this feeling followed me throughout a large portion of my Life. It was a lonely ride and for the most part, I considered it a curse. I now see it otherwise.
Around the time of my Mother leaving; at the time of my family merging with another, and at the time where I felt that I had lost my last remaining thread of security – my Father – You came along. And I sunk myself into You. You became my Saviour.
Not only did You come along at the right time, but we resonated deeply. Our circle of friends all seemed to be a bunch of Beautiful “misfits”. There also seemed to be an air of spirituality, of soulfulness – which I could strongly relate to.
For the first time, I felt accepted and loved. I had always yearned for connection and I had finally found it.
But then it got confusing. I began partying at a younger age than 18. I was beginning to get bored of it at this stage. But, because I had low self-love and feared rejection for not following my peers, I continued. Don’t get me wrong, we did have a lot of fun. But that fun was externally induced, other-induced, substance-induced, which ultimately clouded reality. I was always drunk and you were always stoned. This helped to create a false sense of euphoria. Years later, I did not know how to decipher all of this. What had been real Love and what hadn’t been? With no reciprocal closure, as I keep saying, I was left in the dark.
23 years later, I see a correlation to the euphoria back then. I am now quite often on a natural high. I feel this Love, this purity, this peace, this spaciousness expanding inside of me. It is something that is totally independent from alteratives, from another or anything external. It comes from within me. It comes from my connection to myself and it comes from my connection to whatever we call the Divine, which permeates through me. This is what fills my void and brought me back to Life. We’ve been told a lie for so long – “Find your Knight in shining armour or find your Princess. They will complete you – for you.” But, the real fairy tale is Yourself, it’s within. My daughter is 5 and she already loves fairy tales. It makes me cringe a little. In an attempt to alleviate future suffering and illusions for her, in the hopes of planting a precious and valuable seed, in the hopes of implanting wisdom and insight, I tell her now, while she is still so young: ” YOU are your own fairy tale”. Perhaps, one day, she will remember and understand.
I awoke from that fairy tale. For so long, I thought that You were my Soul mate. But, if so, should it really be this difficult? At this given moment in time, I have come up with another idea. If we are all One, could it be that we are each Soul mates to one another. I see us being Teachers to one another, guiding each other Home. For me, this currently resonates much more with reality.
You can be told the same things over and over. You can affirm to yourself as much as you like. You can rationalize with yourself as much as you like. But, the best that one can do is plant a seed. Seeds are indeed powerful. And we can also commit to an intention. But then we practice patience and continue actively moving within ourselves. Nothing can be forced. When the timing is right, when enough pranic energy has been cultivated, whatever needs to be revealed, will be revealed. As one of my teachers once said: “Ultimately nothing will change until your inner environment changes – your life force environment, heart environment, mental and emotional environments”. All of these conditions must alter. And in this way, the inner spaciousness that one cultivates paves the way for clarity and epiphanies to arise, blasting falsehoods aside. In truth, these revelations are always available to us, others may see them for us, they are never far from us, but if we are looking in different directions, we will miss them entirely.
Walking on the beach the other day, I had such an insight. In the past, I had heard myself and others say something along the same lines, but not quite like this, and it never really struck home. And what I will share may not seem like rocket science, but it actually is. I finally heard the message. It went along the lines of: “You have always been loved. Whatever happened with your parents never had any bearing over how much you are loved. You are totally independent from that. You are always unconditionally held and loved.”
And then following that, another epiphany came to light. While growing up, on a few occasions, my Mother had expressed to me that she still held a torch for a man from her past. While walking on the beach that day, I understood something else. Out of my longing for a connection with my Mother, out of Love and out of a pure willingness to alleviate her from her own suffering, I had reproduced her obsession in my own Life.
The mind is amazing. What an unending whirlpool!
I had spent so long perceiving You as a roadblock towards happiness. We all do that; seeing hurdles as obstructing our happiness. It’s a Human misgiving. Any challenges we come across, we rarely see the lesson, the teacher, the Love. But, if something needs to shift, and we haven’t been listening to the gentler cues which Life gives us, a hardship will develop. Because as Humans, we focus on hardships. Mother Nature is wise and she will use whatever tool she needs to get through to us. In this way, Life finally has our attention. She then calls upon us to look at something this way and that way… tweak here…. tweak there. She invites us to unravel the illusions and return to purity. And often, because the majority of us are lost and absorbed walking around in the labyrinth of our own subconscious, we miss that light peeking through the dark. So, she comes back again and again, however many times she needs to, until we can break free. This is how Life loves us, she continually perseveres with us, never-endingly cushioning and supporting us.
This “obsession” was a gift. Buddhists have taught us for a long time that attachments and rejections to things is what causes us suffering. In reality, we all experience these obsessions. They just have a varying degree of intensity and charge; that habit, that interest, that hobby, that reoccurring thought are all attachments. It’s just that some of them have been labelled “acceptable” or “unacceptable”. My experience enabled me to understand in much more depth what the Buddhists are teaching us, and I seem to be experiencing a taste of the neutral mind; the meditative mind.
So, coming back to letting go. I am not saying that I will now remove and block people from my Life. Nope. I’ve been there, done that and it doesn’t work. Because Life will send you a “rude” awakening and remind you that we are all One, there’s no running away from one another. Those whom we reject will be sent right back to us. We are meant to be connected to one another. Therefore, what I am rather saying is that the electrical charge connecting us is dimming down now. I am unplugging.
This is a huge breakthrough for me. For some, it may come easier to part ways. After all, it is a natural part of Life. Everything is temporary. But, for those coming from a background where connection was minimal, yet yearned for, and then nonetheless connections organically crumble due to their natural expiry date – this is a big deal. This is Warriorship.
I have so much to Thank You for. Was this a story about unrequited love? Was it a story about obsession? It could be all of that. It could be none of that. It could be more than that and it could be less than that. It doesn’t matter. All thoughts and ideas are illusions. Life really is a Dream. We can, however, use these as a tool to guide us into the direction we wish to go. And at some point, we may just drop them all together and be Free. Nevertheless, I did spend a brief ignorant and confusing moment, contemplating on sharing this with You. It came in the form of: “Nah, he doesn’t even deserve the time of day.” And then another epiphany kicked in. None of what transpired between us ever had anything to do with You. You did absolutely nothing to me. This was all the result of subconscious downloading, resulting in a self-created challenge. You were, until now, unbeknownst to myself and yourself, another Teacher to me. You were an eternal, persistent Lighthouse guiding me back to shore. But where there were so many cliffs, and so much thick fog in the way previously, I couldn’t find my way back until now. I am now taking responsibility for myself and extending my apologies for energetically clinging onto You. And, I would also like to thank You for unknowingly holding space for me for so long.
In this recent process of surrendering, merging and re-calibrating into this new unknown, my love for writing had been dwindling. But, You helped to reignite that passion. Funny – our coming together was passionate and it is still passionate. That passion simply transmuted into this writing.