We got together when I was 18.
I actually knew of You, from school. You were a grade above me. I remember crossing your path in the school hallway once, but I paid little attention to You – I hardly knew You. You didn’t catch my eye one bit. You were a friend of a friend.
And then we got together when I was 18 and the tables turned – I fixated onto You.
We were only together for maybe two months – that’s it.
But You occupied space in my mind and my heart, for 23 years!
As I have mentioned in previous writings, something within me has recently shifted. My ties to everything – to ideas, thoughts, beliefs – are unfastening. This even includes connections to some people.
I am an avid practitioner of Kundalini Yoga, and some say that the practice is dangerous, and I would agree. If one is attached to their illusions as their anchor for security, this practice is highly dangerous. This work is for the courageous and those seeking Freedom. Because when one brick in the wall is extracted, the others will eventually follow and your foundation will crumble, exposing all illusions. And this is where I am at now, I am currently in the process of letting go and surrendering. An inkling that a subconscious program was dismantling was when I began experiencing disinterest and boredom surrounding You. How intriguing, interesting and fascinating to experience this after years of clinging!
Letting go of anything does not come easily; the mind will struggle to hold on. But relief surpasses the slight unease, because I am in the process of finally being Liberated.
I remember back in my early 20’s, I literally scanned the streets for You. I searched for You online. I asked after You. There was so much playing around, so much playing tag, so much chasing. We were so immature, very young and inexperienced. I wanted You to prove your love to me and I would go off with another man. You never followed. I once wrote to You, seeking the closure that we never had, but received no response. I have been left alone all this time to make sense of us in my own mind.
The only time that You disappeared from my mind was when I fell in Love and my mind got distracted during the honeymoon period. However, as soon as the honeymoon had faded, you returned. You had only temporarily gone underground, and until then all distraction was merely a bandaid.
All my Lovers, who came after You, knew about You. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I breathe authenticity, truth and honesty. What amazing men I have had, who persevered, understood and loved, with patience.Your energetic presence did break their hearts. They truly are Heroes.
These Lovers though, upon hearing our story, had little respect for You. They called You a Player. Maybe you were. I do think that You liked the pretty girls. But I don’t think it’s so black and white. I watched You amongst our circle of friends repeatedly giving up the girl you really wanted, offering them up to your “competitor”. Yet, I also think that You have a huge heart and You are incredibly soulful. I know that You’d had your heart broken before I came along and I sense that You were no longer willing to be open and vulnerable. You were scared to love.
But these are all ideas. Ideas, impressions, interpretations and imagination is all that I am left with, as we’ve had no closure. But, it really doesn’t matter what I think. None of it is necessarily true. None of what I shared is a necessary part of the story. The whole story is most likely making a mountain out of a molehill. In and of themselves, there is nothing wrong with thoughts, ideas and illusions. They are part of the rich tapestry of Life, travelling through the ethers, waiting for someone to acknowledge them and consider them. The trouble comes, however, when we attach ourselves to these thoughts.
This is not me out to hurt You. This is not revenge. This is anonymous. Furthermore, the strong indifference expressed in our past, leads me to think that this will remain unread. But no matter, this is for me and and to reach out to others. This is me being Real – the thing that I do best. It’s my courage, my superpower. This is me releasing, emptying my mind of all the muck. People are so afraid to air their “dirty laundry”. We have been conditioned by society to bury our suffering, deny it, bury it under the rug, unknowingly realizing that we are creating a pathway for disease to creep in. The thing is, We are One and we heal together. My story will somehow be intertwined with your story. There are parts of my story that you may relate to, secretly and safely from afar. In addition, we all love a good story. So, with my courage, I scream from the mountain tops claiming my freedom. Unearthing all is the birthplace of healing. These Shadows will no longer hide in the crevices of my mind. And so, maybe all the details are a necessary part of letting go, after all.
But putting aside the details, this goes much deeper. Hear me out.
I came from a family where parental self-love was extremely faint. This lack of self-love was projected onto me. The invitation of poor self-love was offered, I wasn’t forced to accept it but I took it. That’s what we do when we are young, when we love, trust and don’t know any better. The rejection began with my Mother, and my Father became my anchor. He did his best to mother and father me. But, Daddy lacked self-love too. As my Mother left the family house, we eventually merged with another ready-made family, but there were clashes between myself and some new family members. My Father, so longing for love outside of himself, unintentionally gave me up. I had grown up an Outsider and this feeling followed me throughout a large portion of my Life. It was a lonely ride and for the most part, I considered it a curse. I now see it otherwise.
Around the time of my Mother leaving; at the time of my family merging with another, and at the time where I felt that I had lost my last remaining thread of security – my Father – You came along. And I sunk myself into You. You became my Saviour.
Not only did You come along at the right time, but we resonated deeply. Our circle of friends all seemed to be a bunch of Beautiful “misfits”. There also seemed to be an air of spirituality, of soulfulness – which I could strongly relate to.
For the first time, I felt accepted and loved. I had always yearned for connection and I had finally found it.
But then it got confusing. I began partying at a younger age than 18. I was beginning to get bored of it at this stage. But, because I had low self-love and feared rejection for not following my peers, I continued. Don’t get me wrong, we did have a lot of fun. But that fun was externally induced, other-induced, substance-induced, which ultimately clouded reality. I was always drunk and you were always stoned. This helped to create a false sense of euphoria. Years later, I did not know how to decipher all of this. What had been real Love and what hadn’t been? With no reciprocal closure, as I keep saying, I was left in the dark.
23 years later, I see a correlation to the euphoria back then. I am now quite often on a natural high. I feel this Love, this purity, this peace, this spaciousness expanding inside of me. It is something that is totally independent from alteratives, from another or anything external. It comes from within me. It comes from my connection to myself and it comes from my connection to whatever we call the Divine, which permeates through me. This is what fills my void and brought me back to Life. We’ve been told a lie for so long – “Find your Knight in shining armour or find your Princess. They will complete you – for you.” But, the real fairy tale is Yourself, it’s within. My daughter is 5 and she already loves fairy tales. It makes me cringe a little. In an attempt to alleviate future suffering and illusions for her, in the hopes of planting a precious and valuable seed, in the hopes of implanting wisdom and insight, I tell her now, while she is still so young: ” YOU are your own fairy tale”. Perhaps, one day, she will remember and understand.
I awoke from that fairy tale. For so long, I thought that You were my Soul mate. But, if so, should it really be this difficult? At this given moment in time, I have come up with another idea. If we are all One, could it be that we are each Soul mates to one another. I see us being Teachers to one another, guiding each other Home. For me, this currently resonates much more with reality.
You can be told the same things over and over. You can affirm to yourself as much as you like. You can rationalize with yourself as much as you like. But, the best that one can do is plant a seed. Seeds are indeed powerful. And we can also commit to an intention. But then we practice patience and continue actively moving within ourselves. Nothing can be forced. When the timing is right, when enough pranic energy has been cultivated, whatever needs to be revealed, will be revealed. As one of my teachers once said: “Ultimately nothing will change until your inner environment changes – your life force environment, heart environment, mental and emotional environments”. All of these conditions must alter. And in this way, the inner spaciousness that one cultivates paves the way for clarity and epiphanies to arise, blasting falsehoods aside. In truth, these revelations are always available to us, others may see them for us, they are never far from us, but if we are looking in different directions, we will miss them entirely.
Walking on the beach the other day, I had such an insight. In the past, I had heard myself and others say something along the same lines, but not quite like this, and it never really struck home. And what I will share may not seem like rocket science, but it actually is. I finally heard the message. It went along the lines of:
“You have always been loved. Whatever happened with your parents never had any bearing over how much you are loved. You are totally independent from that. You are always unconditionally held and loved.”
And then following that, another epiphany came to light. While growing up, on a few occasions, my Mother had expressed to me that she still held a torch for a man from her past. While walking on the beach that day, I understood something else. Out of my longing for a connection with my Mother, out of Love and out of a pure willingness to alleviate her from her own suffering, I had reproduced her obsession in my own Life.
The mind is amazing. What an unending whirlpool!
I had spent so long perceiving You as a roadblock towards happiness. We all do that; seeing hurdles as obstructing our happiness. It’s a Human misgiving. Any challenges we come across, we rarely see the lesson, the teacher, the Love. But, if something needs to shift, and we haven’t been listening to the gentler cues which Life gives us, a hardship will develop. Because as Humans, we focus on hardships. Mother Nature is wise and she will use whatever tool she needs to get through to us. In this way, Life finally has our attention. She then calls upon us to look at something this way and that way… tweak here…. tweak there. She invites us to unravel the illusions and return to purity. And often, because the majority of us are lost and absorbed walking around in the labyrinth of our own subconscious, we miss that light peeking through the dark. So, she comes back again and again, however many times she needs to, until we can break free. This is how Life loves us, she continually perseveres with us, never-endingly cushioning and supporting us.
This “obsession” was a gift. Buddhists have taught us for a long time that attachments and rejections to things is what causes us suffering. In reality, we all experience these obsessions. They just have a varying degree of intensity and charge; that habit, that interest, that hobby, that reoccurring thought are all attachments. It’s just that some of them have been labelled “acceptable” or “unacceptable”. My experience enabled me to understand in much more depth what the Buddhists are teaching us, and I seem to be experiencing a taste of the neutral mind; the meditative mind.
So, coming back to letting go. I am not saying that I will now remove and block people from my Life. Nope. I’ve been there, done that and it doesn’t work. Because Life will send you a “rude” awakening and remind you that we are all One, there’s no running away from one another. Those whom we reject will be sent right back to us. We are meant to be connected to one another. Therefore, what I am rather saying is that the electrical charge connecting us is dimming down now. I am unplugging.
This is a huge breakthrough for me. For some, it may come easier to part ways. After all, it is a natural part of Life. Everything is temporary. But, for those coming from a background where connection was minimal, yet yearned for, and then nonetheless connections organically crumble due to their natural expiry date – this is a big deal. This is Warriorship.
I have so much to Thank You for.
Was this a story about unrequited love? Was it a story about obsession? It could be all of that. It could be none of that. It could be more than that and it could be less than that. It doesn’t matter. All thoughts and ideas are illusions. Life really is a Dream. We can, however, use these as a tool to guide us into the direction we wish to go. And at some point, we may just drop them all together and be Free.
Nevertheless, I did spend a brief ignorant and confusing moment, contemplating on sharing this with You. It came in the form of: “Nah, he doesn’t even deserve the time of day.” And then another epiphany kicked in. None of what transpired between us ever had anything to do with You. You did absolutely nothing to me. This was all the result of subconscious downloading, resulting in a self-created challenge. You were, until now, unbeknownst to myself and yourself, another Teacher to me. You were an eternal, persistent Lighthouse guiding me back to shore. But where there were so many cliffs, and so much thick fog in the way previously, I couldn’t find my way back until now.
I am now taking responsibility for myself and extending my apologies for energetically clinging onto You. And, I would also like to thank You for unknowingly holding space for me for so long.
In this recent process of surrendering, merging and re-calibrating into this new unknown, my love for writing had been dwindling. But, You helped to reignite that passion. Funny – our coming together was passionate and it is still passionate. That passion simply transmuted into this writing.
Thank You, Dear Soul.