Becoming

Jun 14, 2020 | 0 comments

A shift has happened.
The stirrings were gradually making themselves known about a year ago, and settled in around 2 weeks ago.
It’s a feeling of inner peace, which is independent from others or outside circumstances.

However, this feeling is also accompanied by some unease.

I am now much more intimately aware that my mind has created illusionary attachments. My mind is experiencing discomfort because the holds are loosening. Those grips on me are experiencing their dying breaths and they are scrappling for survival. It’s an experience of pulling away from things that I was identifying with as part of my identity, and as a result, kept me anchored to my illusionary state of security. It’s also a letting go of responsibility that I thought that I owned; an attachment to others.

As a natural occurrence of this, I have withdrawn my time from social media. Before, I felt an automatic pull towards Facebook. Facebook was my morning newspaper. As soon, as I awoke, I would edge my way towards the computer and scroll, for hours, mindlessly. The reverse is now expressing itself. It now demands energy bring myself to social media. I now seem to just tend to messages, a few times a day. I may turn the mouse once to scroll, and that seems to be it. I seem to have had enough and I log out. I have noticed that my attention on how many “likes/loves” I get seems to have diminished. But, in turn, it also requires some effort for me to “like/love” another’s post.

For the longest time, I have always seen the importance of acknowledging another, and this withdrawal unsettles me somewhat. This is a quandary for me. Earth is a place of paradox, and Humans are just as mysterious. We are indeed One and need one another, while at the same time, we may begin to realize that we really don’t need much outside of ourselves.

While I care deeply for others, there seems to be a reigning in on myself, an energy conservation for myself where before there was so much energy output. But also, there’s the realization that all I ever really needed was Me – without the mind illusions.

The best way to describe what I am experiencing, is that it’s like a spiderweb in the middle of a barn doorway. The spiderweb is holding onto the doorway merely by a few strands, ready to let go at any time. And I am so close to letting go. It’s only my mind that is telling me to hold on.

What has been more unsettling than all of this though, was the lacklustre, the lack of passion for writing. This was my creative outlet; something that I had “attached” myself to. Even right now, it’s an effort to get me to the computer and type this. But, because I am Human and part of me still endeavours to remain in touch with others, and also because in savasana, after yoga yesterday, I finally felt a slight stirring, which encouraged me to communicate this experience – here I am.
But even so, usually when these inspirational callings come, I jump onto them right away and begin to write. I do not stop until I am done. And yesterday, I did begin to write. But we had other plans and I left the draft, which at any other time would have been my priority. I would have plugged away at it for a while until it was done. I wouldn’t have walked away so easily before. This is new territory.

This experience reminds me of a time in my early 30’s. Since I was a child, a passion of mine had always been for cetaceans, notably whales. I followed my passion and began work as a wildlife guide in my mid-20’s. In my early 30’s though, something happened. The pizazz for my passion seemed to be fizzling out. I fought with my mind. I tried to reason with it, telling it that all I needed was a change of scene (and later I also reasoned that I just needed a change of species to work with – bears). I, therefore, moved from the east coast to the west coast of Canada and continued my career there. But I couldn’t hide from this feeling that something wasn’t right. Whatever it was had followed me. It wasn’t the location, nor was it the species reallocation. I had “just simply” shifted. For the first time in my life, I experienced terrifying panic attacks where I struggled to breathe. I had no idea in which direction I was going in and I continued for a few more years, in denial. And then, after some time, I accepted it. That time had passed.

In retrospect, I have had many of these experiences, and they seem to be quickening. In the beginning, the experiences were terrifying, but I have settled in now. I’ve been on this road for a while that I am not so fearful of falling into the Unknown.
The shift is that I welcome the Unknown, and I am letting go of all the falsehoods that I had grappled onto.
The rug has been pulled out from under my feet quite a few times. I have always been called to something else. I see this now and I welcomingly accept it. All those experiences which brought me so much unease were actually friends telling me that none of what I was holding onto is who I am.

What is becoming increasingly apparent to me is that we are constantly evolving – if we let ourselves unfold – but you know, in some form, it’s going to happen anyway, with our approval or not. We are infinitely creative, never-ending. Life is so amazing. The difference is whether or not we allow the process unfold.

I am in the process of surrendering. I am sinking into myself and submerging into the Unknown. I am becoming comfortable here.
Because this is where I BEcome and when my Life BEgins. This is where I come Alive.

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